letting go; growing up

this year... has definitely been a tough one for me. it's hard to believe all the crazy stuff that went on throughout my junior year. i know that if someone had told me that all of this was going to happen, i would have thought they were crazy. no way would i lose two of my best friends, one to death and one to a girl. i've spent an extremely abnormal amount of time trying to pretend like i'm fine. i never really had that time to sit back and say, "i don't know how i'm going to get through the day." but that's exactly how i was feeling. from the very beginning of the school year, i knew it was going to suck. i had absolutely no friends... and i know people say that a lot, but that's just the honest truth. my only real friend had already dropped out of high school and had a boyfriend to occupy every waking minute of her time. so i kept to myself and focused solely on school. then tragedy hit home for me. April 10th will haunt me for the rest of my life. i received the most painfully heartbreaking phone call ever. and even at that moment, i refused to show any sign of vulnerability. i couldn't let my boyfriend see that i was hurting. i just left his house and drove straight to the person that needed me to be strong for her. i didn't go home for a week because the thought of having to talk to my mom about how i was feeling nearly killed me. the only time that i let myself go, let myself actually feel something, was when i was alone, in bed, trying to sleep but failing to like i have ever since then. all that i wanted was one of my best friends back... i just wanted to bring her back to life, back to the way we lived it: carefree. or, at the very least, i wanted him back. because when it comes down to it, he's still the only person i have ever really cried to. full on nose running, sobbing, hyperventilating, the works. i just wanted him to go sit with me and let me let it all out, not talking, the way he used to because he used to know what i needed. but instead of having either of my wishes granted, i allowed myself to be alienated from everyone. i didn't leave my house unless it was for educational purposes, i dumped to boy, i never called people back, i never said, "yes" when someone asked to go out... but i also didn't grieve. i just wrapped myself up in whatever i could to keep from losing my mind. and because of that, i ended up losing it anyways. so now, i plan on figuring things out. i'm not going to be over emotional, but i'm not going to pretend anymore. if i have a feeling, i'll express it. if i feel the urge to cry, i'm going to cry. if i want to punch something, i probably will when my hand heals. because i deserve a break from this facade... i need a break. i will not act as if i don't care about anything anymore. because i care about a lot. and all of this has changed me. i'm stronger. i'm more stubborn. but i'm also more forgiving. i don't want to lose everything that's important to me. so i'm going to be me. finally.

things are moving along, quickly

after taking a trip up to Utah State, it really hit me that life is coming at me fast. and of course, like everywhere i go with my dad, he had a hundred friends he wanted me to meet. i got to eat lunch with the president of Utah State and after I went to the vice president's house to see his horses and dogs and all that. he offered me a guaranteed internship in the law offices for the school and six months ago, that would have been exactly what i wanted... but now i'm not so sure. the entire time i was up there, getting all this special treatment that proved how awesome my college experience would be there, i was thinking about the one person that i just don't think i can live without. and not just him, but all of my friends. we're all going to be saying goodbye. and some of us will see each other again, but some won't. and i'm not ready for that. i can't lose my best friend to college. and even though we fight, like more than normal people, i can't help but be near him. and EVERYONE tells me to stop talking to him... but what they don't realize is that i'm holding out for a miracle: i want him to be the guy that he used to be. he wasn't always like this to me, or anyone for that matter. he never used to care about money, or material things. he would have never even THOUGHT about speaking unkindly to me or any other girl, including his mom. he wasn't a guy that could be bought with fancy things and popularity. this is the kid that went on walks with me EVERY SUNDAY. he walked from his house to mine so that we could go on another walk and talk about everything we'd done that week. this is the guy that used to sit with me at my house every day and do homework or watch my chick flick TV shows with me. and the day that i found out my little brother was doing drugs, and i found out who had given them to him, he had my back. i screamed at the kid for a very long time in front of everyone at a football game our sophomore year and as soon as i had said what i wanted to, my best friend knew exactly what to do. i swear he reads my mind sometimes. he grabbed me so fast and hugged me for probably fifteen minutes so that nobody could see me while i bawled. i never used to care what i looked like when i was with him. i didn't feel the need to impress him. i felt totally comfortable being 100% myself around him. i ate what i wanted and never cared about my weight. i didn't wear makeup and it didn't seem to bother him. now everything is different. i can't always say what i feel or act really weird. i am extremely uncomfortable without makeup on and i always have to be dressed well. i rarely eat in front of him and my weight is now a huge concern. so although that's kind of a good thing, it sucks for me. i feel like i've lost a part of me. so at this point, what everyone else thinks about our relationship doesn't matter at all to me. people can look at me and think i'm the stupidest girl on earth for going back to him and accepting what he is doing, but that's because none of them had the opportunity to know him the way i do. or i guess they didn't know who he used to be. but i'm still convinced that he's in there somewhere. so say what you'd like, but i'm going to continue to fight my ass off for him until i'm certain that there is no hope left. and if that means that i have to give up a few AMAZING opportunities in order to be even remotely close to him, that's something i'm willing to do. that's something i'm willing to do for a lot of my friends. but it seems like everyone is either going to UVU or not going at all. it sucks that we will all be torn apart. i don't want to make new friends, i'm content with the ones i have now. for so long i have been soooo excited to graduate and go to college, but it's coming up so fast and everything i had planned is beginning to change. so now that all my scholarship applications are done and i've been accepted to all the schools, i'm going to put off making a decision for as long as possible. because this is going to destroy me one way or another.

time stands still

sometimes we get caught up in the little things that hurt our feelings or make us mad. i'm honestly the worst offender. but last night, just when i thought that my life was over because of THE stupidest thing in the world, i came to the realization that i have amazing friends! like the best friends in the world. and my best friend that so rudely left me on April 10th, 2011, she's STILL here for me... all the time. sure, it really sucks that i can't trust the person i've been friends with the longest. and it really sucks that i cannot bring myself to stop letting him hurt me, but it doesn't matter in the end. because it just shows his true colors, the ones that you only see in the dark. so without facing the problems that we have, i would have never seen the real him. not the person he pretends to be when everything is going well, but the person he truly is when things get hard. i should have known a long time ago that he would never be true to me... because i've only had one really hard experience in my life and he was conveniently unavailable to me at that time. so all that i'm saying is this: people are going to screw with you. life is going to screw with you. but REAL friends, they make the hardest things seem perfectly fine. they understand that sometimes you just need to cry... or scream,... or fight someone (cass). haha so as long as you're surrounded by true friends, everything will be fine. the boy will still break your heart, but your friends will be there to say, "lets go egg his house. and that stupid girl's too." and you'll still lose people you love... but your friends will be there to listen while you cry your eyes out but can't find words to explain how you actually feel about it. and you'll still fight with your parents, because they pick on you ALL THE TIME!! but your friends will be there to say, "parents just don't understand." and in those times when you think you'll never recover from whatever it is you're going through, those times when the clock stops and your heartache seems like it will last forever, your friends will make you laugh so hard that time goes by so quickly and before you know it, you're on to the next heartache. so the never-ending cycle continues, but the thing that's always the same is that your friends have your back. always.

High School & Love? Never a good combination..

as if high school isn't already the worst three years of your life, everyone wants to have a boyfriend, or girlfriend too. it's never a good idea to mix raging hormnones and emotional attachment. girls, GUYS ARE HORNY! that is, and always will be, true. i'm sorry, i am just as sad about it as the next girl, but it's unavoidable. sure, there are a few good guys out there that are respectful, but it's generally a hit and miss situation. most guys claim to know what respect means, but they usually don't... because so many guys think that you can still have sex with a girl they are not married to, and never plan to marry, and respect her at the same time... this, girls, is not true. any guy that has respect for you will understand that he has to keep his hands off for a couple years while he gets over his hormones and figures out the difference between love and lust. now boys, GIRLS WILL GET ATTACHED IF YOU GIVE THEM A REASON TO!!! don't play games! tell her how you REALLY feel! cut the bull crap. girls are a lot tougher than you think, we can handle it, so give us the dirty truth. most of us subconsciously know that you're using us, we just refuse to believe it unless the words come from your mouth. so spit it out so that we can move on to a guy who gives a crap. it will save you a lot of grief. so don't blame the girl for getting the wrong idea, because, lets be honest, you know exactly what you're doing, and you enjoy it. otherwise, you would cut to the chase. so, boys and girls, you may think you're in love after the first date or, in this day and age, the first "hang out," because nobody really goes on dates anymore, but take a minute to analyze the situation and figure out whether you really want to get involved or not. better yet, wait till after high school when it really starts to matter!!!! don't fall in love with a high school student.

Hold On To People You Love

BF4L

People always say, "I miss you, we need to get together soon!" But unfortunately, we rarely make time to catch up with old friends. I am guilty of it just as much as the next girl, but I've decided that I am not going to do this anymore. I'm not going to watch my friendships slip from my grasp because I am too caught up in work, school, or whatever other excuses I may make. NOTHING is more important than someone who has been there through the thick and the thin. If you have nothing in common with a person anymore, create something. If you don't like the friends they hang out with, ignore them. If you don't have time in your day, find some. Don't spend your whole life making empty promises to people who care about you, because you never know how much of an affect you could have on someone. Don't fill your life with regrets because you didn't stop and talk to someone for thirty seconds when you saw them at the mall. It's as simple as that. Be proactive and make a difference in a seemingly-stranger's life. In the blink of an eye, your entire world can change. You could lose the girl, or boy, that you grew up with. You could find yourself wondering when the last time was that you saw your best friend. I don't like to admit it, but I've screwed up one-too-many times when it comes to making time for the people that mean the most to me. I've loved and I've lost and I've found this to be true: the hardest thing to live with is knowing that you could have done something, but you didn't. And I could have done so little as turned around and walked back into the nail salon to say, "Hi," to my best friend that I hadn't seen in a while. I replay myself over and over again walking away from someone that I, soon after, lost. Don't let that be you. Don't be the kind of friend that, even though your friend called you to say that she saw you at Walmart two seconds ago, keeps walking because you have more important things to do than talk. Turn around, go say, "Hello," before it's too late... and you can't change your reaction. Get your priorities straight because if you don't do it now, you never will. Friends, family, neighbors, they ALL matter, no matter how much you think they don't. They're the ones that are going to be there when you don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend anymore. They'll be there when you lose your job and suddenly have time for everyone again. They'll be there when you lose someone you love and you don't want to get out of bed anymore. I've learned, in the past three months, that people are pretty decent sometimes. They care about what happens to others, even if they don't necessarily show it often. Be someone who cares.