starting over

yesterday was a pretty normal saturday for me... but by the end of it, i had come to realize that it was not normal at all. i hung out with old friends and actually did something fun for the first time in a long time. i woke up and my best friend had already texted me wanting to go to breakfast which i didn't think i had time for, but i decided to screw my plans and go. turns out that's exactly what i needed. we talked about everything that has happened lately and it was nice finally being able to tell someone every detail instead of what i thought they could be trusted with. it's amazing to know that someone actually cares about me and how i'm feeling and what goes on in my life even if it's stupid. and i can't believe that i ever stopped hanging out with her because it's like an outlet for me... i don't have to pretend to be someone i'm not. she understands why i feel the way i do about everything and she doesn't judge me because of my inability to let go of stupid grudges or intense feelings. i miss when it used to be like that with all of my friends. when i trusted every one of them completely. when i could come to them when i needed something. when i could feel comfortable with saying whatever was on my mind in front of them. it's never like that anymore. but that's going to change. i'm going to stick to the friends that make me happy and don't judge me for anything.
and then to top it all off... i got to spend the night in the freezing cold mountains with the funniest kid i know. every time i said something stupid, which was quite a lot, he made it a joke and made me feel a little less idiotic. and that's what i love about him. i have never felt more accepted by someone in my life. he never lets me frown when i'm with him and everything we do is fun... no matter what. i mean, the majority of the night was spent sitting around a table talking and it was more fun than i've had in a very long time. and i always knew that it was like that when i hung out with him... so it makes no sense to me that i haven't done it in so long. i wish i had more friends like that so that i never had a dull moment. for the past year, i've needed people like him in my life.. but i've done everything to keep from having that. i need people to make me laugh and let go. i need people to make me happy... all the time, not just sometimes. and i need people that care, not just when it's convenient. so i'm going to start over. i'm going to hang out with those people that make me positive. and i'm going to be positive. because it's what i need from life: some optimism.