give it up

it's getting extremely annoying coming home from school to random presents on my doorstep. it's not cute, i don't think it's charming, and i'm actually quite sick of it. that may sound extremely rude, but you brought this upon yourself. i thought i loved you and you used me. you were my best friend and i trusted you with everything. i gave up all of my friends to be with you and i wasted way too much time on you. and the fact that i had to find out about her in front of my family from one of your friends... just makes me despise you even more. you didn't have the balls to tell me yourself and even worse, you denied it when i asked. she had more respect for me than you ever did. at least she owned up to it and apologized. and of course when i went to you wanting the truth after i had already heard it from her mouth, you said "you weren't putting out, so i went elsewhere." you said those words to the girl that you now claim to be madly in love with. you cheated on me over and over again without ever giving me any sort of clue. i don't know how i could have been so stupid to believe that you could actually keep a promise to me. sorry i wouldn't have sex with you... but clearly this is the reason that i am sooo glad that i never did one thing with you. you're pathetic and immature. you will never know how to treat a woman right and i don't intend to find out. so don't come to me with your problems and tell me that you miss me. stop buying me things and pretending like you know me at all. i'm allergic to nuts so peanut M&Ms... don't work for me. and i hate freaking Coke! like honestly, anyone would know that. i've changed a lot more than you will ever know since i was with you. i'm way better without you controlling me. so next time you want to talk to someone, don't call me because 'i went elsewhere' too.

the rage

SOOOO i'm in st. george with my friends having a wonderful time away from.. MOST of my problems and i wake up in bed with three of my friends to a phone call from my little brother telling me that someone has smashed in my windows to my car. my only response, "WHAT!?" everyone sits straight up in bed and that was the beginning of my rage. so since i am not completely retarded, i put two and two together to figure out who it was that decided to act so maturely toward me. i mean, it's not hard to see that it was not a coincidence. YOU DIDN'T EVEN STEAL ANYTHING WHEN THERE WAS A CAMERA AND IPAD SITTING ON THE FLOOR! plus my neighbors amazingly have cameras outside their house to prove exactly what i already knew. so i've come to the point where i'm sooo done. and will probably hurt someone if they cross me one more time. so here's a little message for the crazy bitches' ring leader because i know that if i post it, you'll find a way to see it:
i'm sorry that you got my sloppy seconds OVER and OVER again.
i'm sorry that i got to kiss your boyfriend before you... oh AND after you.
i'm sorry that your money couldn't buy you the one thing that you really wanted.
i'm sorry that his family actually likes me.
i'm sorry that HE actually likes me.
i'm sorry that all of the crazy shit you do tends to backfire in terms of your intentions.
i'm sorry that you were obviously neglected by your father as a child and now think that you have to throw tantrums to get a man's attention.
i'm sorry that you have no self respect.
i'm sorry that you're nuts.
but as far as these unoriginal insults go... i gotta say:
yes, my bangs are "swoopy"; what's your point?
yes, my brother is one of my few friends; at least i have some.
yes, i'm in high school; get out of it.
yes, my eyes look asian; i choose not to spend money on cosmetic surgery.
yes, i'm pretty ugly; what does that say about you?
and YES, i'm fatter than you; all that means is that i can hit harder.
so whenever you decide to pull something like that again, grow a pair and do it while i'm actually in town.

they're all the same

you think you know people... so well... but in the end, it's likely that you never knew them at all. things start to look up and then come tumbling down. life throws curve balls and people lose themselves in the mix of it all. and even knowing all of this, we still expect too much from unreliable people. it's hard to admit when we're wrong about something that seemed so sure. it's hard to believe that your best friend or your boyfriend/girlfriend is someone totally different from who you thought you knew. and nobody, besides yourself, will understand why you repeatedly forgive that special person or you continue to do nice things for them... because nobody can understand the secrets of your heart and nobody really wants to. but i have chosen to never regret what i feel and learn from all of my experiences... because 'the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.' -Pierre La Mure. and i believe that 100%. even if it hurts you or breaks you. because somehow, in the middle of what seems like a disaster, you find yourself. but keep in mind, all the time: sluts will be sluts, boys will be boys... and mixing the two will always hurt the one who really cares.

starting over

yesterday was a pretty normal saturday for me... but by the end of it, i had come to realize that it was not normal at all. i hung out with old friends and actually did something fun for the first time in a long time. i woke up and my best friend had already texted me wanting to go to breakfast which i didn't think i had time for, but i decided to screw my plans and go. turns out that's exactly what i needed. we talked about everything that has happened lately and it was nice finally being able to tell someone every detail instead of what i thought they could be trusted with. it's amazing to know that someone actually cares about me and how i'm feeling and what goes on in my life even if it's stupid. and i can't believe that i ever stopped hanging out with her because it's like an outlet for me... i don't have to pretend to be someone i'm not. she understands why i feel the way i do about everything and she doesn't judge me because of my inability to let go of stupid grudges or intense feelings. i miss when it used to be like that with all of my friends. when i trusted every one of them completely. when i could come to them when i needed something. when i could feel comfortable with saying whatever was on my mind in front of them. it's never like that anymore. but that's going to change. i'm going to stick to the friends that make me happy and don't judge me for anything.
and then to top it all off... i got to spend the night in the freezing cold mountains with the funniest kid i know. every time i said something stupid, which was quite a lot, he made it a joke and made me feel a little less idiotic. and that's what i love about him. i have never felt more accepted by someone in my life. he never lets me frown when i'm with him and everything we do is fun... no matter what. i mean, the majority of the night was spent sitting around a table talking and it was more fun than i've had in a very long time. and i always knew that it was like that when i hung out with him... so it makes no sense to me that i haven't done it in so long. i wish i had more friends like that so that i never had a dull moment. for the past year, i've needed people like him in my life.. but i've done everything to keep from having that. i need people to make me laugh and let go. i need people to make me happy... all the time, not just sometimes. and i need people that care, not just when it's convenient. so i'm going to start over. i'm going to hang out with those people that make me positive. and i'm going to be positive. because it's what i need from life: some optimism.