enough is enough

i'm going to rant about everything that i'm sick of.
i'm sick of school... everything about it stresses me out.
i'm sick of people talking about me like they know me, writing songs about me, taking pictures trying to look like me, spreading rumors about me that don't even make sense... it's not going to hurt my feelings, so just stop.
i'm sick of trying sooo hard to be generous when it goes unnoticed.
i'm sick of stupid teachers thinking they can call my mom every day like i'm in second grade and need a babysitter.
i'm sick of adults thinking that they are so much smarter than me because of their age.
i'm sick of my dad coming home from business trips once a week and thinking he can intervene in everything that i have going on.
i'm sick of fighting with my parents about the stupidest things ever... like losing weight is some kind of problem to them.
i'm sick of having to sneak home and pick up clothes while they're at work.
i'm sick of staying at my friend's apartment alone 90% of the day.
i'm sick of having to explain myself to every single one of my friends because they know i'm wrong.
i'm sick of having nightmares that keep me up every night.
i'm sick of feeling worthless because of a stupid guy that could be purchased by the girl with the highest offer.
i'm sick of knowing that i will never be good enough for someone that has spent five years trying to prove that he is.
i'm sick of being used.
i'm sick of having to think about everything i say because people can't keep their mouths shut.
i'm sick of trying to show that i'm the better option because it doesn't count for anything.
but most of all, the thing that i am soooooo sick and tired of is believing the lies that i'm told by my "best friend" every damn day of my life. i'm sick of having to compare myself to another girl in order to figure out what he wants. i'm sick of doing everything i can to help him with whatever he needs when he doesn't appreciate any of it. i'm sick of being the only one that's concerned about his future. i'm sick of letting him walk all over me. i'm sick of hearing people say that i'm "whipped" when i'm only trying to be a good friend. i'm sick of knowing that everyone thinks i'm stupid because he runs me. and i'm sick of saying, "i'm done" then letting him sneak back into my life.
I AM SICK OF BEING TOLD WHAT I WANT TO HEAR INSTEAD OF THE TRUTH.
i'm a big girl. i can handle it. so lay it on me.
cause i am sick of my real best friend telling me that i'm no fun anymore. because of him, the fake best friend.

letting go; growing up

this year... has definitely been a tough one for me. it's hard to believe all the crazy stuff that went on throughout my junior year. i know that if someone had told me that all of this was going to happen, i would have thought they were crazy. no way would i lose two of my best friends, one to death and one to a girl. i've spent an extremely abnormal amount of time trying to pretend like i'm fine. i never really had that time to sit back and say, "i don't know how i'm going to get through the day." but that's exactly how i was feeling. from the very beginning of the school year, i knew it was going to suck. i had absolutely no friends... and i know people say that a lot, but that's just the honest truth. my only real friend had already dropped out of high school and had a boyfriend to occupy every waking minute of her time. so i kept to myself and focused solely on school. then tragedy hit home for me. April 10th will haunt me for the rest of my life. i received the most painfully heartbreaking phone call ever. and even at that moment, i refused to show any sign of vulnerability. i couldn't let my boyfriend see that i was hurting. i just left his house and drove straight to the person that needed me to be strong for her. i didn't go home for a week because the thought of having to talk to my mom about how i was feeling nearly killed me. the only time that i let myself go, let myself actually feel something, was when i was alone, in bed, trying to sleep but failing to like i have ever since then. all that i wanted was one of my best friends back... i just wanted to bring her back to life, back to the way we lived it: carefree. or, at the very least, i wanted him back. because when it comes down to it, he's still the only person i have ever really cried to. full on nose running, sobbing, hyperventilating, the works. i just wanted him to go sit with me and let me let it all out, not talking, the way he used to because he used to know what i needed. but instead of having either of my wishes granted, i allowed myself to be alienated from everyone. i didn't leave my house unless it was for educational purposes, i dumped to boy, i never called people back, i never said, "yes" when someone asked to go out... but i also didn't grieve. i just wrapped myself up in whatever i could to keep from losing my mind. and because of that, i ended up losing it anyways. so now, i plan on figuring things out. i'm not going to be over emotional, but i'm not going to pretend anymore. if i have a feeling, i'll express it. if i feel the urge to cry, i'm going to cry. if i want to punch something, i probably will when my hand heals. because i deserve a break from this facade... i need a break. i will not act as if i don't care about anything anymore. because i care about a lot. and all of this has changed me. i'm stronger. i'm more stubborn. but i'm also more forgiving. i don't want to lose everything that's important to me. so i'm going to be me. finally.

things are moving along, quickly

after taking a trip up to Utah State, it really hit me that life is coming at me fast. and of course, like everywhere i go with my dad, he had a hundred friends he wanted me to meet. i got to eat lunch with the president of Utah State and after I went to the vice president's house to see his horses and dogs and all that. he offered me a guaranteed internship in the law offices for the school and six months ago, that would have been exactly what i wanted... but now i'm not so sure. the entire time i was up there, getting all this special treatment that proved how awesome my college experience would be there, i was thinking about the one person that i just don't think i can live without. and not just him, but all of my friends. we're all going to be saying goodbye. and some of us will see each other again, but some won't. and i'm not ready for that. i can't lose my best friend to college. and even though we fight, like more than normal people, i can't help but be near him. and EVERYONE tells me to stop talking to him... but what they don't realize is that i'm holding out for a miracle: i want him to be the guy that he used to be. he wasn't always like this to me, or anyone for that matter. he never used to care about money, or material things. he would have never even THOUGHT about speaking unkindly to me or any other girl, including his mom. he wasn't a guy that could be bought with fancy things and popularity. this is the kid that went on walks with me EVERY SUNDAY. he walked from his house to mine so that we could go on another walk and talk about everything we'd done that week. this is the guy that used to sit with me at my house every day and do homework or watch my chick flick TV shows with me. and the day that i found out my little brother was doing drugs, and i found out who had given them to him, he had my back. i screamed at the kid for a very long time in front of everyone at a football game our sophomore year and as soon as i had said what i wanted to, my best friend knew exactly what to do. i swear he reads my mind sometimes. he grabbed me so fast and hugged me for probably fifteen minutes so that nobody could see me while i bawled. i never used to care what i looked like when i was with him. i didn't feel the need to impress him. i felt totally comfortable being 100% myself around him. i ate what i wanted and never cared about my weight. i didn't wear makeup and it didn't seem to bother him. now everything is different. i can't always say what i feel or act really weird. i am extremely uncomfortable without makeup on and i always have to be dressed well. i rarely eat in front of him and my weight is now a huge concern. so although that's kind of a good thing, it sucks for me. i feel like i've lost a part of me. so at this point, what everyone else thinks about our relationship doesn't matter at all to me. people can look at me and think i'm the stupidest girl on earth for going back to him and accepting what he is doing, but that's because none of them had the opportunity to know him the way i do. or i guess they didn't know who he used to be. but i'm still convinced that he's in there somewhere. so say what you'd like, but i'm going to continue to fight my ass off for him until i'm certain that there is no hope left. and if that means that i have to give up a few AMAZING opportunities in order to be even remotely close to him, that's something i'm willing to do. that's something i'm willing to do for a lot of my friends. but it seems like everyone is either going to UVU or not going at all. it sucks that we will all be torn apart. i don't want to make new friends, i'm content with the ones i have now. for so long i have been soooo excited to graduate and go to college, but it's coming up so fast and everything i had planned is beginning to change. so now that all my scholarship applications are done and i've been accepted to all the schools, i'm going to put off making a decision for as long as possible. because this is going to destroy me one way or another.