College: Who Wouldda Thought?

Soooo... I started college two weeks ago. Weird. But moving to Logan with practically no friends and no idea what I'm doing has been an extremely great experience so far. I've met so many cool people and realized that life in Utah County isn't the only thing out there for me. I refuse to continue to hold onto the things and people that did nothing good for me when I was there. This is a new chapter in my life and I plan to take advantage of every opportunity that I can while I'm here. I'm going to go to football, soccer, baseball, and basketball games. I'm going to take extremely hard classes that I have no business being interested in. I'm going to go on DATES! Yeah, I said it. I never even knew that this many cute, sweet, sincere guys existed in the universe. I guess I'm not used to having them around... But just a few days ago, the sweetest guy ever sat me down and talked to me for a while about why I was so nervous to meet people. He said, "You have no reason not to be confident. You have a lot going for you." And although I didn't fully believe him, it was just nice to hear and know that he was actually being real. I guess I really needed this whole college thing to show me that things can change. I honestly just DON'T CARE anymore. I don't care about the people from my past because they are there for a reason: I don't need them in my future. And if people choose to mistreat me or just don't care about me, then that's just one less thing to stress about because I can completely forget about them without a backward glance. So from now on, the only things that matter to me are school, true friends, and the people that are going to come into my life and stay there. I think this is going to be a really good thing. HELLO COLLEGE!

give it up

it's getting extremely annoying coming home from school to random presents on my doorstep. it's not cute, i don't think it's charming, and i'm actually quite sick of it. that may sound extremely rude, but you brought this upon yourself. i thought i loved you and you used me. you were my best friend and i trusted you with everything. i gave up all of my friends to be with you and i wasted way too much time on you. and the fact that i had to find out about her in front of my family from one of your friends... just makes me despise you even more. you didn't have the balls to tell me yourself and even worse, you denied it when i asked. she had more respect for me than you ever did. at least she owned up to it and apologized. and of course when i went to you wanting the truth after i had already heard it from her mouth, you said "you weren't putting out, so i went elsewhere." you said those words to the girl that you now claim to be madly in love with. you cheated on me over and over again without ever giving me any sort of clue. i don't know how i could have been so stupid to believe that you could actually keep a promise to me. sorry i wouldn't have sex with you... but clearly this is the reason that i am sooo glad that i never did one thing with you. you're pathetic and immature. you will never know how to treat a woman right and i don't intend to find out. so don't come to me with your problems and tell me that you miss me. stop buying me things and pretending like you know me at all. i'm allergic to nuts so peanut M&Ms... don't work for me. and i hate freaking Coke! like honestly, anyone would know that. i've changed a lot more than you will ever know since i was with you. i'm way better without you controlling me. so next time you want to talk to someone, don't call me because 'i went elsewhere' too.

the rage

SOOOO i'm in st. george with my friends having a wonderful time away from.. MOST of my problems and i wake up in bed with three of my friends to a phone call from my little brother telling me that someone has smashed in my windows to my car. my only response, "WHAT!?" everyone sits straight up in bed and that was the beginning of my rage. so since i am not completely retarded, i put two and two together to figure out who it was that decided to act so maturely toward me. i mean, it's not hard to see that it was not a coincidence. YOU DIDN'T EVEN STEAL ANYTHING WHEN THERE WAS A CAMERA AND IPAD SITTING ON THE FLOOR! plus my neighbors amazingly have cameras outside their house to prove exactly what i already knew. so i've come to the point where i'm sooo done. and will probably hurt someone if they cross me one more time. so here's a little message for the crazy bitches' ring leader because i know that if i post it, you'll find a way to see it:
i'm sorry that you got my sloppy seconds OVER and OVER again.
i'm sorry that i got to kiss your boyfriend before you... oh AND after you.
i'm sorry that your money couldn't buy you the one thing that you really wanted.
i'm sorry that his family actually likes me.
i'm sorry that HE actually likes me.
i'm sorry that all of the crazy shit you do tends to backfire in terms of your intentions.
i'm sorry that you were obviously neglected by your father as a child and now think that you have to throw tantrums to get a man's attention.
i'm sorry that you have no self respect.
i'm sorry that you're nuts.
but as far as these unoriginal insults go... i gotta say:
yes, my bangs are "swoopy"; what's your point?
yes, my brother is one of my few friends; at least i have some.
yes, i'm in high school; get out of it.
yes, my eyes look asian; i choose not to spend money on cosmetic surgery.
yes, i'm pretty ugly; what does that say about you?
and YES, i'm fatter than you; all that means is that i can hit harder.
so whenever you decide to pull something like that again, grow a pair and do it while i'm actually in town.

they're all the same

you think you know people... so well... but in the end, it's likely that you never knew them at all. things start to look up and then come tumbling down. life throws curve balls and people lose themselves in the mix of it all. and even knowing all of this, we still expect too much from unreliable people. it's hard to admit when we're wrong about something that seemed so sure. it's hard to believe that your best friend or your boyfriend/girlfriend is someone totally different from who you thought you knew. and nobody, besides yourself, will understand why you repeatedly forgive that special person or you continue to do nice things for them... because nobody can understand the secrets of your heart and nobody really wants to. but i have chosen to never regret what i feel and learn from all of my experiences... because 'the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.' -Pierre La Mure. and i believe that 100%. even if it hurts you or breaks you. because somehow, in the middle of what seems like a disaster, you find yourself. but keep in mind, all the time: sluts will be sluts, boys will be boys... and mixing the two will always hurt the one who really cares.

starting over

yesterday was a pretty normal saturday for me... but by the end of it, i had come to realize that it was not normal at all. i hung out with old friends and actually did something fun for the first time in a long time. i woke up and my best friend had already texted me wanting to go to breakfast which i didn't think i had time for, but i decided to screw my plans and go. turns out that's exactly what i needed. we talked about everything that has happened lately and it was nice finally being able to tell someone every detail instead of what i thought they could be trusted with. it's amazing to know that someone actually cares about me and how i'm feeling and what goes on in my life even if it's stupid. and i can't believe that i ever stopped hanging out with her because it's like an outlet for me... i don't have to pretend to be someone i'm not. she understands why i feel the way i do about everything and she doesn't judge me because of my inability to let go of stupid grudges or intense feelings. i miss when it used to be like that with all of my friends. when i trusted every one of them completely. when i could come to them when i needed something. when i could feel comfortable with saying whatever was on my mind in front of them. it's never like that anymore. but that's going to change. i'm going to stick to the friends that make me happy and don't judge me for anything.
and then to top it all off... i got to spend the night in the freezing cold mountains with the funniest kid i know. every time i said something stupid, which was quite a lot, he made it a joke and made me feel a little less idiotic. and that's what i love about him. i have never felt more accepted by someone in my life. he never lets me frown when i'm with him and everything we do is fun... no matter what. i mean, the majority of the night was spent sitting around a table talking and it was more fun than i've had in a very long time. and i always knew that it was like that when i hung out with him... so it makes no sense to me that i haven't done it in so long. i wish i had more friends like that so that i never had a dull moment. for the past year, i've needed people like him in my life.. but i've done everything to keep from having that. i need people to make me laugh and let go. i need people to make me happy... all the time, not just sometimes. and i need people that care, not just when it's convenient. so i'm going to start over. i'm going to hang out with those people that make me positive. and i'm going to be positive. because it's what i need from life: some optimism.

enough is enough

i'm going to rant about everything that i'm sick of.
i'm sick of school... everything about it stresses me out.
i'm sick of people talking about me like they know me, writing songs about me, taking pictures trying to look like me, spreading rumors about me that don't even make sense... it's not going to hurt my feelings, so just stop.
i'm sick of trying sooo hard to be generous when it goes unnoticed.
i'm sick of stupid teachers thinking they can call my mom every day like i'm in second grade and need a babysitter.
i'm sick of adults thinking that they are so much smarter than me because of their age.
i'm sick of my dad coming home from business trips once a week and thinking he can intervene in everything that i have going on.
i'm sick of fighting with my parents about the stupidest things ever... like losing weight is some kind of problem to them.
i'm sick of having to sneak home and pick up clothes while they're at work.
i'm sick of staying at my friend's apartment alone 90% of the day.
i'm sick of having to explain myself to every single one of my friends because they know i'm wrong.
i'm sick of having nightmares that keep me up every night.
i'm sick of feeling worthless because of a stupid guy that could be purchased by the girl with the highest offer.
i'm sick of knowing that i will never be good enough for someone that has spent five years trying to prove that he is.
i'm sick of being used.
i'm sick of having to think about everything i say because people can't keep their mouths shut.
i'm sick of trying to show that i'm the better option because it doesn't count for anything.
but most of all, the thing that i am soooooo sick and tired of is believing the lies that i'm told by my "best friend" every damn day of my life. i'm sick of having to compare myself to another girl in order to figure out what he wants. i'm sick of doing everything i can to help him with whatever he needs when he doesn't appreciate any of it. i'm sick of being the only one that's concerned about his future. i'm sick of letting him walk all over me. i'm sick of hearing people say that i'm "whipped" when i'm only trying to be a good friend. i'm sick of knowing that everyone thinks i'm stupid because he runs me. and i'm sick of saying, "i'm done" then letting him sneak back into my life.
I AM SICK OF BEING TOLD WHAT I WANT TO HEAR INSTEAD OF THE TRUTH.
i'm a big girl. i can handle it. so lay it on me.
cause i am sick of my real best friend telling me that i'm no fun anymore. because of him, the fake best friend.

letting go; growing up

this year... has definitely been a tough one for me. it's hard to believe all the crazy stuff that went on throughout my junior year. i know that if someone had told me that all of this was going to happen, i would have thought they were crazy. no way would i lose two of my best friends, one to death and one to a girl. i've spent an extremely abnormal amount of time trying to pretend like i'm fine. i never really had that time to sit back and say, "i don't know how i'm going to get through the day." but that's exactly how i was feeling. from the very beginning of the school year, i knew it was going to suck. i had absolutely no friends... and i know people say that a lot, but that's just the honest truth. my only real friend had already dropped out of high school and had a boyfriend to occupy every waking minute of her time. so i kept to myself and focused solely on school. then tragedy hit home for me. April 10th will haunt me for the rest of my life. i received the most painfully heartbreaking phone call ever. and even at that moment, i refused to show any sign of vulnerability. i couldn't let my boyfriend see that i was hurting. i just left his house and drove straight to the person that needed me to be strong for her. i didn't go home for a week because the thought of having to talk to my mom about how i was feeling nearly killed me. the only time that i let myself go, let myself actually feel something, was when i was alone, in bed, trying to sleep but failing to like i have ever since then. all that i wanted was one of my best friends back... i just wanted to bring her back to life, back to the way we lived it: carefree. or, at the very least, i wanted him back. because when it comes down to it, he's still the only person i have ever really cried to. full on nose running, sobbing, hyperventilating, the works. i just wanted him to go sit with me and let me let it all out, not talking, the way he used to because he used to know what i needed. but instead of having either of my wishes granted, i allowed myself to be alienated from everyone. i didn't leave my house unless it was for educational purposes, i dumped to boy, i never called people back, i never said, "yes" when someone asked to go out... but i also didn't grieve. i just wrapped myself up in whatever i could to keep from losing my mind. and because of that, i ended up losing it anyways. so now, i plan on figuring things out. i'm not going to be over emotional, but i'm not going to pretend anymore. if i have a feeling, i'll express it. if i feel the urge to cry, i'm going to cry. if i want to punch something, i probably will when my hand heals. because i deserve a break from this facade... i need a break. i will not act as if i don't care about anything anymore. because i care about a lot. and all of this has changed me. i'm stronger. i'm more stubborn. but i'm also more forgiving. i don't want to lose everything that's important to me. so i'm going to be me. finally.

things are moving along, quickly

after taking a trip up to Utah State, it really hit me that life is coming at me fast. and of course, like everywhere i go with my dad, he had a hundred friends he wanted me to meet. i got to eat lunch with the president of Utah State and after I went to the vice president's house to see his horses and dogs and all that. he offered me a guaranteed internship in the law offices for the school and six months ago, that would have been exactly what i wanted... but now i'm not so sure. the entire time i was up there, getting all this special treatment that proved how awesome my college experience would be there, i was thinking about the one person that i just don't think i can live without. and not just him, but all of my friends. we're all going to be saying goodbye. and some of us will see each other again, but some won't. and i'm not ready for that. i can't lose my best friend to college. and even though we fight, like more than normal people, i can't help but be near him. and EVERYONE tells me to stop talking to him... but what they don't realize is that i'm holding out for a miracle: i want him to be the guy that he used to be. he wasn't always like this to me, or anyone for that matter. he never used to care about money, or material things. he would have never even THOUGHT about speaking unkindly to me or any other girl, including his mom. he wasn't a guy that could be bought with fancy things and popularity. this is the kid that went on walks with me EVERY SUNDAY. he walked from his house to mine so that we could go on another walk and talk about everything we'd done that week. this is the guy that used to sit with me at my house every day and do homework or watch my chick flick TV shows with me. and the day that i found out my little brother was doing drugs, and i found out who had given them to him, he had my back. i screamed at the kid for a very long time in front of everyone at a football game our sophomore year and as soon as i had said what i wanted to, my best friend knew exactly what to do. i swear he reads my mind sometimes. he grabbed me so fast and hugged me for probably fifteen minutes so that nobody could see me while i bawled. i never used to care what i looked like when i was with him. i didn't feel the need to impress him. i felt totally comfortable being 100% myself around him. i ate what i wanted and never cared about my weight. i didn't wear makeup and it didn't seem to bother him. now everything is different. i can't always say what i feel or act really weird. i am extremely uncomfortable without makeup on and i always have to be dressed well. i rarely eat in front of him and my weight is now a huge concern. so although that's kind of a good thing, it sucks for me. i feel like i've lost a part of me. so at this point, what everyone else thinks about our relationship doesn't matter at all to me. people can look at me and think i'm the stupidest girl on earth for going back to him and accepting what he is doing, but that's because none of them had the opportunity to know him the way i do. or i guess they didn't know who he used to be. but i'm still convinced that he's in there somewhere. so say what you'd like, but i'm going to continue to fight my ass off for him until i'm certain that there is no hope left. and if that means that i have to give up a few AMAZING opportunities in order to be even remotely close to him, that's something i'm willing to do. that's something i'm willing to do for a lot of my friends. but it seems like everyone is either going to UVU or not going at all. it sucks that we will all be torn apart. i don't want to make new friends, i'm content with the ones i have now. for so long i have been soooo excited to graduate and go to college, but it's coming up so fast and everything i had planned is beginning to change. so now that all my scholarship applications are done and i've been accepted to all the schools, i'm going to put off making a decision for as long as possible. because this is going to destroy me one way or another.

time stands still

sometimes we get caught up in the little things that hurt our feelings or make us mad. i'm honestly the worst offender. but last night, just when i thought that my life was over because of THE stupidest thing in the world, i came to the realization that i have amazing friends! like the best friends in the world. and my best friend that so rudely left me on April 10th, 2011, she's STILL here for me... all the time. sure, it really sucks that i can't trust the person i've been friends with the longest. and it really sucks that i cannot bring myself to stop letting him hurt me, but it doesn't matter in the end. because it just shows his true colors, the ones that you only see in the dark. so without facing the problems that we have, i would have never seen the real him. not the person he pretends to be when everything is going well, but the person he truly is when things get hard. i should have known a long time ago that he would never be true to me... because i've only had one really hard experience in my life and he was conveniently unavailable to me at that time. so all that i'm saying is this: people are going to screw with you. life is going to screw with you. but REAL friends, they make the hardest things seem perfectly fine. they understand that sometimes you just need to cry... or scream,... or fight someone (cass). haha so as long as you're surrounded by true friends, everything will be fine. the boy will still break your heart, but your friends will be there to say, "lets go egg his house. and that stupid girl's too." and you'll still lose people you love... but your friends will be there to listen while you cry your eyes out but can't find words to explain how you actually feel about it. and you'll still fight with your parents, because they pick on you ALL THE TIME!! but your friends will be there to say, "parents just don't understand." and in those times when you think you'll never recover from whatever it is you're going through, those times when the clock stops and your heartache seems like it will last forever, your friends will make you laugh so hard that time goes by so quickly and before you know it, you're on to the next heartache. so the never-ending cycle continues, but the thing that's always the same is that your friends have your back. always.