letting go; growing up

this year... has definitely been a tough one for me. it's hard to believe all the crazy stuff that went on throughout my junior year. i know that if someone had told me that all of this was going to happen, i would have thought they were crazy. no way would i lose two of my best friends, one to death and one to a girl. i've spent an extremely abnormal amount of time trying to pretend like i'm fine. i never really had that time to sit back and say, "i don't know how i'm going to get through the day." but that's exactly how i was feeling. from the very beginning of the school year, i knew it was going to suck. i had absolutely no friends... and i know people say that a lot, but that's just the honest truth. my only real friend had already dropped out of high school and had a boyfriend to occupy every waking minute of her time. so i kept to myself and focused solely on school. then tragedy hit home for me. April 10th will haunt me for the rest of my life. i received the most painfully heartbreaking phone call ever. and even at that moment, i refused to show any sign of vulnerability. i couldn't let my boyfriend see that i was hurting. i just left his house and drove straight to the person that needed me to be strong for her. i didn't go home for a week because the thought of having to talk to my mom about how i was feeling nearly killed me. the only time that i let myself go, let myself actually feel something, was when i was alone, in bed, trying to sleep but failing to like i have ever since then. all that i wanted was one of my best friends back... i just wanted to bring her back to life, back to the way we lived it: carefree. or, at the very least, i wanted him back. because when it comes down to it, he's still the only person i have ever really cried to. full on nose running, sobbing, hyperventilating, the works. i just wanted him to go sit with me and let me let it all out, not talking, the way he used to because he used to know what i needed. but instead of having either of my wishes granted, i allowed myself to be alienated from everyone. i didn't leave my house unless it was for educational purposes, i dumped to boy, i never called people back, i never said, "yes" when someone asked to go out... but i also didn't grieve. i just wrapped myself up in whatever i could to keep from losing my mind. and because of that, i ended up losing it anyways. so now, i plan on figuring things out. i'm not going to be over emotional, but i'm not going to pretend anymore. if i have a feeling, i'll express it. if i feel the urge to cry, i'm going to cry. if i want to punch something, i probably will when my hand heals. because i deserve a break from this facade... i need a break. i will not act as if i don't care about anything anymore. because i care about a lot. and all of this has changed me. i'm stronger. i'm more stubborn. but i'm also more forgiving. i don't want to lose everything that's important to me. so i'm going to be me. finally.