things are moving along, quickly

after taking a trip up to Utah State, it really hit me that life is coming at me fast. and of course, like everywhere i go with my dad, he had a hundred friends he wanted me to meet. i got to eat lunch with the president of Utah State and after I went to the vice president's house to see his horses and dogs and all that. he offered me a guaranteed internship in the law offices for the school and six months ago, that would have been exactly what i wanted... but now i'm not so sure. the entire time i was up there, getting all this special treatment that proved how awesome my college experience would be there, i was thinking about the one person that i just don't think i can live without. and not just him, but all of my friends. we're all going to be saying goodbye. and some of us will see each other again, but some won't. and i'm not ready for that. i can't lose my best friend to college. and even though we fight, like more than normal people, i can't help but be near him. and EVERYONE tells me to stop talking to him... but what they don't realize is that i'm holding out for a miracle: i want him to be the guy that he used to be. he wasn't always like this to me, or anyone for that matter. he never used to care about money, or material things. he would have never even THOUGHT about speaking unkindly to me or any other girl, including his mom. he wasn't a guy that could be bought with fancy things and popularity. this is the kid that went on walks with me EVERY SUNDAY. he walked from his house to mine so that we could go on another walk and talk about everything we'd done that week. this is the guy that used to sit with me at my house every day and do homework or watch my chick flick TV shows with me. and the day that i found out my little brother was doing drugs, and i found out who had given them to him, he had my back. i screamed at the kid for a very long time in front of everyone at a football game our sophomore year and as soon as i had said what i wanted to, my best friend knew exactly what to do. i swear he reads my mind sometimes. he grabbed me so fast and hugged me for probably fifteen minutes so that nobody could see me while i bawled. i never used to care what i looked like when i was with him. i didn't feel the need to impress him. i felt totally comfortable being 100% myself around him. i ate what i wanted and never cared about my weight. i didn't wear makeup and it didn't seem to bother him. now everything is different. i can't always say what i feel or act really weird. i am extremely uncomfortable without makeup on and i always have to be dressed well. i rarely eat in front of him and my weight is now a huge concern. so although that's kind of a good thing, it sucks for me. i feel like i've lost a part of me. so at this point, what everyone else thinks about our relationship doesn't matter at all to me. people can look at me and think i'm the stupidest girl on earth for going back to him and accepting what he is doing, but that's because none of them had the opportunity to know him the way i do. or i guess they didn't know who he used to be. but i'm still convinced that he's in there somewhere. so say what you'd like, but i'm going to continue to fight my ass off for him until i'm certain that there is no hope left. and if that means that i have to give up a few AMAZING opportunities in order to be even remotely close to him, that's something i'm willing to do. that's something i'm willing to do for a lot of my friends. but it seems like everyone is either going to UVU or not going at all. it sucks that we will all be torn apart. i don't want to make new friends, i'm content with the ones i have now. for so long i have been soooo excited to graduate and go to college, but it's coming up so fast and everything i had planned is beginning to change. so now that all my scholarship applications are done and i've been accepted to all the schools, i'm going to put off making a decision for as long as possible. because this is going to destroy me one way or another.